{come what may}

I woke up frustrated because I am so over this harsh winter. I come alive with the sunshine, the warmth, the birds singing, the green grass, the beautiful flowers and bunnies playing in my backyard. Seriously, I do. I know that I am among thousands of others who do the same. We need sunshine and warmth.

Begrudgingly, I hop in the car and freeze as I wait for it to warm up. It’s taking forever. Kari shoveled us out again. Bless her servant heart. She really is a great kid. We have had many years of battles between us. We often locked horns and one or both of us would end up in tears. I worked hard to do everything I could to change our relationship. I was, after all, the adult. My heart suffered many attacks, some provoked, some not even close. The pain my child caused me has been suffocating at times.

Back in September 2013, I decided to try church. No one wanted to come with me. The husband doesn’t believe. My middle daughter doesn’t believe. My oldest does believe but she wants no part of a church, more so, “organized religion.”  Everyone rejected my invitation to seek change in a place that I knew in my heart would bring about change that was desperately needed; not only for me and Kari but for our entire family.  Kari happily agreed to join me.

So, together, we began a new venture that was ours and has been ours. I was completely empty at first and didn’t even attend church the entire month of October because I wanted my entire family with me. I felt like I didn’t quite fit in with all the other people that had their families with them. But it all changed during a moment of rest. I felt it on my heart so greatly that the Lord was telling me that this was the way it was supposed to be right now. He has each of us on our own journey and I had to trust that we were all right where we were supposed to be. Kari and I needed this connection more than any other relationship in our home. I have cherished the time we spend together at church. We have grown closer and it feels incredible. I love our time. Just she and I. Me and she. Thank you, Jesus.

Getting back to this morning … the schools were on a two hour delay, which meant that I was responsible for taking Kari and our friend, Brooke to school. Brent usually does this duty while I take the afternoon pick-up duty. I am petrified to drive in the winter. Snow, ice, mix.. it doesn’t matter. It all frightens me. My husband has told me for twenty-five years that I need to just do it and learn. I spent the better part of those two hours worried about driving the girls to school. Then, without a warning, the burden lifted. I wasn’t really all that bothered about driving. I knew the roads had cleared up some and I just prayed for our safety.

As I drove them to school, I couldn’t help but smile because I was not afraid – that and I had wasted precious time worrying about it before it even took place. Wasteful energy. Many children were walking to school and I told the girls that I wished I could scoop them all up and take them because I didn’t like seeing them having to walk in the cold and snow with icy sidewalks. On the way back from dropping them off, I saw a young girl standing on the side of the road, crying. She crashed her car into the back of a bus. It was totaled. Smashed up pretty bad. She appeared to be alright, just worked up from wrecking. I wanted to hug her and make it all go away for her. She was ok.  Thank you, Jesus.

Fast forward to 4:30 pm. Time to pick up Kari from the first day of volleyball tryouts. She was so nervous and my momma heart was all aflutter for her. On the way there, though, my van began to smell strongly of antifreeze and steam rolled out of my hood. Once again, I started panicking and was so worried about driving such a mess of a vehicle. I began talking to God out loud to just get me there safely and to please help me find a way out of our incessant financial crisis. It has been years of the same struggle. I really am ready for something to change. I don’t know quite how to make that change happen. I haven’t worked in eighteen years and my obesity prevents me from getting a physically demanding job now. So I just don’t know what to do to help. All I  know is that I want and need a newer car and I crave change, now.

I prayed to make it to the school and I did just fine. The van steamed for quite awhile but it finally stopped.  The girls started coming out after tryouts and I saw some of them crying. I didn’t know tonight would be first cuts too. My heart immediately started hurting for them.  I teared up, knowing how it feels to be so close yet so far. Kari jumped in the van and sighed the loudest sigh ever and said she made it through first cuts. Her smile was so beautiful. She wants this so badly. She has always been a very gifted athlete in all the sports she has done thus far. She has played on teams for soccer, basketball, spinning flag – she played tennis and volleyball camps, she was a cheerleader. But volleyball has become her favorite sport. She is so nervous about tomorrow night – second cuts. I have told her over and over again that she has to keep a positive attitude and outlook and play like she is going to make the team but prepare herself for the possibility of not making the team. The important thing is that she tried and she can keep trying. It will hurt her a little if she doesn’t make it but it will not break her. She will just have to work harder at it next time. Always ways to improve and better yourself, whether it is sports, spiritually, attitudes, financially, friendships, family, writing, job, health… we all have ways that we need to improve.

But we are praying hard that she makes the team. She loves this sport!

Drawing closer to bedtime, I read some posts and comments on Facebook that truly left me feeling unsettled, sad and frustrated. I felt a fire in my belly but it was not a pleasant fire. I was getting furious – angry with the way people were carrying themselves and how others were handling the situation/conversation. I just do not understand how people can be ok with some things and why they have to participate in drama, hatefulness, and just over all be mean spirited. I find it sad that children participate in this as well. I don’t understand. Honestly. I am far from perfect but I know right from wrong and I am always about doing the right thing and handling myself with dignity and grace. And act out of love. Even in the fury that I was feeling, it was because it stems from love for those people and the fact that I couldn’t understand why they would be ok with spoiling their character in the way they were doing.

So deep sigh…

Sleepytime tea…

Toast for an upset stomach…

And prayer…

Father, use me for good. Show me the way that will bring glory to Your name. Right my path when I begin to go astray and lead me with Your grace.  Continue to let love be my anchor as You are my lighthouse, my strength, my guide. Help me shake that which I cannot change -instead move me forward in love because love wins. Love wins. LOVE WINS.

And let me lean into You and trust.

Always.

Come what may.

As I read this again, I realize how discombobulated it is and I apologize if it was hard to follow but I won’t rewrite it because it is exactly how my day was…discombobulated, clustered emotions, many issues to deal with, and feelings that were peeking their heads in, randomly, screaming – “I am here. I won’t let you forget me!”   – And so it is what it is. Not typical of my writing yet so authentic of my life happenings.  I shall let it go…