Rise & Fall

I feel like I have been in some sort of holding pattern for the better part of six months. When I find myself on the upswing, there is still this painfully aware piece of my heart & mind that cannot fully heal the things that have broken me. Then it begins again. 

The rise and fall.
The rise and fall. 

And then…nothing.

I will feel all the emotions during the rise & fall; from one extreme to the other. The good, the bad, & the nauseating. But when I hit the nothing part? Well that is the very difficult place where visions are dark & the sounds are muffled and the feelings bleed out of me like the walking wound I seem to be. Empty. Except not really. It is more of a paralyzing sadness that i cannot fully fix.

I’m tired. Most people leave. Most people look the other way. Most people ignore. Most people don’t know. Most people don’t care. Most people…

But I’m still here. I fight for myself every day. Why? Why do I care enough to fight when I feel isolated & alone in my battle? Because I truly & deeply love life.

I love the laughter of my girls. I love the way it feels to be held by my beautiful husband. I love the way the dogs love me so unconditionally. I love the sky & the moon & the stars & the way the earth feels under my bare feet. I love the birds & the butterflies, the deer & the dandelions. I love the sun and the wind and the rain & the sea. I love the sparkle in your eyes & the hope in your voice. I love humanity & the hearts of people, all the broken people, who rally to fight the good fight for justice, equality & love.

And when I am in my darkest hour, He breathes the breath of His undying love for me into the atmosphere & illuminates the sky in ways He knows that I will know it is Him. His ever present love notes in the sky are His way of reminding me of my worth. He doesn’t count how many times He has to remind me. No. He just quietly yet oh so boldly breathes life into me.

Shine down on me oh Father God. Thank you for the gift of this wild & precious life. I will rise. Time after time. It’s ok if I experience an intermittent holding pattern for six months. When you feel, you heal. I will not be shamed or ashamed.

I see something in every pic. Hearts, angels, Jesus. And the last pic.. a face breathing light out!