Up in flames

For those who know me, know that I have been on a rather intensive journey since April 2012. It has consisted of digging really, and I mean REALLY, deep in order to heal old wounds. I have encountered many people and have had many experiences since I began this journey of healing. Connection and sharing my story have proven to be one of the most viable sources of living an authentic life and restoration.

In September 2013, I was invited by a dear friend to attend her church. And so I did. I have yet to write about my experience. It was almost too powerful, too profound for words. And as my dear friend poetically stated, I was wrecked. She also invited me to her woman’s bible study group. I tried to render every excuse not to go. Ultimately, I went. And that night, I was so moved by the welcome, the acceptance, the love that poured so effortlessly from this group of women. My heart felt like it was at home and was well cared for, nurtured.

Last night, I returned to the group. It was going to be held around a fire pit and we were asked to write down something that we needed to let go of, to set free; something that was holding us back and needed to be released.  I prayed about it during the day. I was feeling very “off” physically and a bit mentally as well. I didn’t know I had a lot to let go of still but it was all wrapped up into one single word. As I began to write, it just flowed for three small pages. Three pages of goodbye to this one word.  I want to share with you what I wrote, read aloud to this amazing group of women and then threw into the fire last night, releasing it.

Up in flames…

—–

Dear Insecurity,

You have had me under your spell since the moment you fell from the lips of my step-father and poisoned my adolescent soul. You have woven yourself around my heart strings like a serpent hungry for revenge. You have succeeded in stealing so many precious life moments from me since the tender age of twelve, as you took up residence inside my mind, replacing the innocence with a false sense of security.

Your name was branded in the depths of my being like a tattoo that will not wash off after a few days. You have claimed a part of my beautiful spirit, marking it as your own. You’ve shown up in every stage of my life, masquerading yourself as a source of comfort because you wanted to be sure that I wouldn’t fear you. You quickly became my soft place to fall and a sick saving grace.

I would call upon you often and hide behind your massive physique.

I believed you.

I believed everything ever spoken to me and about me in your honor. I turned to you because you were a good leader but you stripped me naked and left me for dead. You led me down a path of destruction that was fueled by self-doubt and perpetual self-loathing.

I made you proud.

I was your prize student.

The perfect victim.

I remained tightly in a bud because the risk to blossom was too much to bear; until the day I laid myself in God’s arms and wept.

I wept out so much pain that had stained me for far too long. As He held me close, He whispered – “For I know the plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11). I clung to the hope and faith as He began to restore me.

I am free.

I am a daughter of God.

I AM because HE IS!

My God is bigger than you. I no longer suffer at the mercy of insecurity. I have bloomed like a lotus, out of murky waters, I rise. I am a lighthouse, a beacon of hope for those still in your grasp.

You will be defeated.

He wins; not you.

God be the glory because one thing still remains – His love never dies, never gives up, never runs out on me.

Free from your spell,
T. – ox

—–

I encourage you to write down what is taking a hold of you and distracting you from living a fully restored life. Throw it into the fire, ball it up and toss it in the trash or shred it. Let it go. Release its grasp on you. Allow restoration to take place. Be in His presence and know that through God, you are strengthened, carried, loved, valued and saved. I uplift you in prayer for healing, grace and peace. Blessed be. oxox

Scriptures:

O LORD my God, I cried out to You, And You healed me. –Psalms 30:2 

He sent His word and healed them, And delivered them from their destructions. -Psalms 107:20

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalms 147:3

Behold, I will bring in health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. -Jeremiah 33:6

Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved, For You are my praise. –Jeremiah 17:14

And He said to her, “Daughter, be of good cheer, your faith has made you well. Go in peace.” -Luke 8:48