Love + Be Loved

I really just want to be loved because I love so freely and deeply. But sometimes – a lot of the time – I am feeling unloved or maybe not loved enough. I do not put expectations on anyone’s love but I do feel it is human nature to want reciprocal love. The actions of others sometimes flips a switch in my brain telling me that I am not lovable and am very disposable. If this happens, I retreat as a form of self-protection and that unfortunately weakens the relationship even further.

Not knowing exactly where you stand with people or noticing a shift is confusing and disheartening. I will automatically blame myself and am often not even sure what it is that makes people pull away. People just leave without really explaining or having an authentic conversation with me. I genuinely want to understand what it is about me that makes it easier to just leave me behind. I know I am complex and I have limitations that prevent me …or I have used as my crutch at times… from being able to do much but still, there has to be more. I don’t confront it out of fear of losing the relationship entirely or the fear of being judged as if I’m in middle school again, feeling guilty or embarrassed for feeling this way at my age and the hurt I feel is the catalyst to my innate withdrawal response. And the longer I am in withdrawal, the more damage is done. I replay words that were said to me and my perception of actions has a life of its own.

We all have a desire to be seen and heard and loved in the capacity we wish to love in. No one enjoys feeling “not enough” and unchosen. And standing raw and open muttering the words, “Pick me. Chose me. Love me” seems juvenile and needy. But the reality is my heart needs what it needs. I can’t apologize for that or I discredit my own feelings. I have done enough of that in my life and am not willing to go there again. But if I have ever made you question my love for you or your position my life, talk to me privately and know that I DO love you. I do.

Thank goodness for therapy…