So my body has been letting me down and holding me back. The pain, the obesity…it brings so much hardship. I am prisoner to it all. I have worked so many times to change it. Some too hard, some not hard enough. There is always some sort of roadblock that sends me stumbling. Sometimes I get up right away but a lot of the times, I get up at a very slow pace and stand there like a newborn foal with inadequate strength in my legs to sustain my journey.

I have been praying victory over my pain so I can move forward and win the battle with this debilitating disease called obesity. The amount of pain housed in my body, everywhere, cannot be explained so people truly understand what I endure on a daily basis. It is real. The fact that I cannot do things is not a lazy excuse. I truly cannot do it. Fact is though, I was not made to carry this weight. I am doer. But the weight and the amount of physical pain has turned me into a watcher, a wallflower, a wisher, a dreamer. I watch with big doe eyes and with a full, “all in” kind of heart that longs to be in the middle of it all. I want to participate in so much, but between the pain and the obesity, I know, most of the time, I cannot join in because I am physically unable to do so. I am held back from participating in things that my heart has already signed up for. I *want* to do so much but realistically I cannot. Always worried of failure, embarrassment and humiliation, I have chosen to politely decline an invitation, only to sit at home and feel sorry for myself. Loathing my reality.

I believe God hears us, the good, the bad, the ugly. He hears our cries, our hopes, our dreams, our needs. He meets them all in His time, we just have to be open to receiving His gifts. I have been standing here on foal legs, wobbling, waiting for restoration so I can gallop in the open fields of life. I know He is hearing me. Last night I dreamed that I was helping paint the WHO warehouse. Last night, I dreamed that I was along on the Light Up event. Last night, I dreamed that I stood for the entire length of worship time on Sunday morning. Last  night, I dreamed that I was reaching broken souls with my testimony, on the streets. Last night, I dreamed that my spiritual father was rejoicing in the halls of our church when I told him that I would be joining for yet another event. His joy ignited my heart and soul. I have people rooting for me, even if they haven’t spoken a word to me, I know they are there, cheering me on… waiting for me at the finish line yet loving me until I reach it. Last night, I got confirmation that I will indeed finish a victor. This is MY battle to win. I claim it.

Go on and shine
Clear your mind
Now’s the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
‘Cause everything’s gonna be alright
I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But I learned to love myself unconditionally,
Because I am a queen
-Video- India Arie

Fear of failing or making a fool out of myself has had a powerful grip on my life for too long. I don’t want to worry about not being able to have a place to sit because I cannot stand for very long or wonder if I will fit or if the seat will hold me or think about how far I will have to walk or if my lungs will open up enough to breathe, gasping for air, after a short time, is honestly not fun. I just want to say “Yes!” when life proposes questions of, “Are you in?” My heart has been yearning for it for so long. And I am getting a lot of affirmation lately that I going to be rewarded for my patience, my trust in Him, and the endurance of this hellish struggle. I am in preparation for healing and restoration. I close my eyes and I see me without the suffering. I close my eyes and I see me, the real Tricia, that He created so perfectly in His image. The healthy version of me. Wellness is WHO I am. I feel WHO I truly am in the pits of my stomach. I am healthy and fit and active and fully alive!

Resurrection day is upon me.

Get ready.

Flight is beckoning.

I’m too important for stagnancy.
I’ve got lives to love on, inspire and heal.

My wings are waiting…

http://youtu.be/4a_zuVYYknk

‘Cause I am a champion
And you’re gonna hear me roar